This is just a boring rant, but one that's been building inside me for quite some time. I have a headache and an upset stomach, so I'm just going to vent and get it out of my system.
About a year or so ago, I switched offices, well what I mean is, I switched locations with another person. I ended up at an office 4 miles away. It was a lateral move, one that gave me more opportunity to do some traveling and break away from the monotony of the same old, same old routine. It was not my idea to re-locate, but it was only supposed to be for a year, then I would go back to my old office, which was where I really wanted to be.
In the course of the last year and 4 months, I got to do a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to do if I had stayed where I was at. Peachy. However always in the back of my mind was the thought that I would be going back. Never once did I consider otherwise. It was what I had my heart set on, and where I really wanted to be.
About 1 month before my year was up, I had a meeting with my manager and the assistant manager. It was part of our 2006 developmental plan meetings, so very routine. And of course the topic of my "assignment" came up, more specifically the fact that it was coming to an end. My manager told me she would honor my decision if I wanted to go back. And I did. Oh yes, it was something I wanted so badly I could taste it. So what I said in response was...."Everyone seems to be happier with the status quo, so I will stay where I'm at provided that I am the one chosen to go back if there is a need for coverage". Yep, I caved under the pressure of being liked.
You see, my co-workers at my new office wanted to keep me instead of taking back the previous "tenant". The "tenant" liked his new home. Stacy could be out of the office more, which was a-okay with me. It was what everyone wanted. Except me. But I sucked it up and played the damn martyr and stayed at the new office. Like an adult, I made a decision and put other people's happiness before my own. It seemed like the mature thing to do.
Well guess what? I resent it. I hate going to my new office. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I work with, even though we have our mood swings and stuff. It's a great group and we do have fun together, even outside of work. But my heart misses my old office, and yeah, it's an ego thing. I was just at the old office yesterday, and it was AWESOME. People "get" me there - my sense of humor, my quirks, my style...or lack thereof. I get up early, eager to get to the office and see everyone and yeah, even flirt a little. I feel good there, and I miss that. But there's also an energy there, a feeling of family and friendship and kinship that motivates me every single day.
Anyway, about a month after I made my decision, I had a bad day. Nothing bad happened; I was just completely "homesick". I wanted to go back, and I wanted to cry because I wanted it so badly. My boss, the assistant manager who is also a friend, took me outside for a little meeting and wanted to know what was wrong, so I told her that I regretted my decision but that I knew it was too late to change my mind because now it was how everyone else wanted it. She apologized, and she was very sincere, but I think she thought I'd get over my attachment.
Well I haven't! I am the world's biggest whiner because I hate going to work at the new office. Everyday I wake up and dread where I have to go. The thing is, I really do have to move on and "get over it". I know that. I'm fully aware of what's expected of me and that I have a responsibility to myself and my co-workers, and that doesn't involve daily pity parties. I so totally get that, but deep down, it doesn't matter. I want what I want and I don't care anymore if it's selfish. I want to be selfish. Sue me.
So there you have it - I want to get my way. It's such a trivial thing, and if that was the worst thing in my life, I should consider myself lucky. I am very lucky. But how do I get past it and end up happy at my current office? That's something I need to figure out, hopefully soon, before it makes me crazier than I already am, and not in a good way....