Much like everything else lately, I seem to be going through blogger block. After almost 5 years, it's not unusual for it to happen time to time, but it's at a time when I want to blog, but I feel seriously depleted of ideas. Could be the changing weather - I tend to be much more sluggish when it's cold and dark - or it could just be I don't have much to say. So I'll take a minute and look back and see what's been going on in 2010.
Once thing that's been on my mind a lot is a topic that both repels and fascinates me: BDSM. And before I go any further, let me tell you right now that no, I have not uncovered a deep, dark secret about myself. Not that there would be anything wrong with it, but the more I think about it and read about it and imagine it, I know deep in my heart I'm not wired that way. But what BDSM has done for me is opened my eyes to some things about myself. I think we all reach a point when we think we know ourselves so well. We believe we know if we're decent people, or if we're morally ambiguous, or somewhere in between. We are secure in our place in the world, in our sexuality, where we fit in with our family and friends. I thought that too, until I started becoming a little obsessed with the D/s lifestyle, yet consistently wondered why. I would test myself, read more about real-life people who were into it, and the more I read, the more confused I became because it didn't appeal to me other than on an extremely light, superficial level. But it taunted me. And after I gave it some time, I finally figured out why. Or at least I understood myself better.
I am a loner by nature. I have never been one to be dependent on others. I guess the way I grew up made it so, but at the same time, I truly believe we are born a specific way, and while events and emotions can shape us to a certain extent, our makeup is essentially what you were born to be. It also doesn't mean we can't change, but it's not an easy thing to do. Being a loner, I find it extemely uncomfortable to share a lot about myself, even the most mundane, ordinary events. I can't explain why, maybe it's some sense of being rejected that I never got over as a kid, but I tend to listen more than I talk. Now however, as I'm getting older, I notice myself becoming much more open with the people in my life. It was not a conscious decision to all of a sudden share the person that I am, it just sort of happened. And I think in part, it's because of some people I've met online (who I've mentioned before) are very open about their marriage and lifestyle.
It's weird how people I've never met in person - and even though they live in the same city most likely will never meet - have had such an impact on me. Maybe it's their confidence and their trust in each other as they also are exploring different avenues of their relationship that has encouraged me to share more of myself. It's true that you can't really have a meaningful relationship without sharing yourself, without giving trust, and I guess I need to learn how to do that. It's scary, but exciting at the same time.
Y'all are probably laughing right now, wondering what's the big deal. That's okay. That's part of the risk of opening up; is taking the chance that you might not always find happy, shiny acceptance on the other side. So be it. I'm learning new things about myself and realizing that the learning never stops. It might go on a break for a bit, but we are always discovering something new about ourselves. Kinda cool.
Has a topic or person caused you to learn
something new about yourself?
What was the experience like?
Labels: ramblings
posted by Stacy~ at 11/15/2010 07:13:00 AM
Thanks for this post. I enjoy learning more about other bloggers. It's nice to get some "real" moments, ya know?
byI grew up really disliking people, in general, and I still find myself vehemently pissed off by the actions of others. However, one event changed my life - and eventually - my perspective.
I've always been interested in African and Asian cultures. So, when the movie Hotel Rwanda came out in 2004, I went to see it. I transformed during that film. I walked out of the theater drenched in tears and SO angry that the world sat by and allowed 800K people to be slaughtered.
I became an overnight human rights activist, and started a chapter of a national student-led anti-genocide activist group during my undergrad. I wrote letters, spoke to politicians, attended rallies and made my voice heard for the people who no one listened to.
I was going to join the Peace Corps and go teach computer skills or English to children in Africa. I was half way through the application process when I was deferred for a year due to medical issues. In the interim, I decided to finish my undergrad, which I had changed to International Studies. Then I met my husband.
Needless to say, our relationship bloomed and he wasn't too happy for me to take off on a 27 month expedition across the globe, but he said he wouldn't stand in my way. I knew I had found the man I was going to marry, so I didn't want to leave him. I thought about what I could do in the states, since we obviously need tons of help with our people, too.
It was time for hubs to start med school, something I encouraged him to do, and I decided to apply to grad school. The best bet to help others in need was Social Work, and that is the track I've been on since 2008. It has completely changed my entire perspective about people, how they think, why they take certain actions, and especially, how you should never assume anything about anyone - you have no idea what people deal with on a daily basis. I now find myself wanting to be around people more, and not looking at them in disgust or pity, but trying to understand life from their eyes.
I hope to assist refugees, somehow. But if that doesn't pan out, I'd love to work with adolescent girls or maybe the homeless, or even adoptions...
Sorry that I talked your ear off. I guess I really needed to tell someone that. Now I want to tell others this story. heh. Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs*
Ok, so maybe that wasn't really the question you asked, but that is where my mind took me. Thanks for reading anyway! lol.
byWow, Smash, I am blown away by the changes you've made. I think it is just incredible what you are doing, and what you are passionate about. The world could use a few million more like you.
byThank you for sharing this about yourself. You should be proud of what you are doing, and I'm glad you found a husband who stands by and cheers you on. Having a support system is so very important, and can bolster the courage during those times you question yourself. *big hugs right back!*
That's part of the risk of opening up; is taking the chance that you might not always find happy, shiny acceptance on the other side. So be it
byI think taking that chance is extremely hard for people to do. And not to sound cliche, but in my 30's it has been SO much easier to do that. I accept ME, my friends accept me, the family I choose to surround myself in accept me.
I've had a couple of people and events that have changed my life recently- caused me to take a stand or just learn new, unexpected things. I think discovering new things about yourself whether forced or unexpected is an excellent way to live your life.
Lovely post :)
Ah, I wish I could jump through my computer and give you a real-life hug! You are such a great tweep - and friend to have - and I love getting to know you through your posts, reviews and tweets.
byI feel that a person needs to grow until they die. It may be small and slow or bigger leaps - like Ash described above. I hope that I am continually learning more about myself and becoming more "me." I've never had one event I can point to that has changed my life, but similar to you, I can say that "online friendships" and other web-based activities have helped me learn more about myself as well. I think that 1) as I get older, I care less and less about pleasing others and how I am perceived by strangers, 2) I've found other people more similar to me and my likes/dislikes online than I ever have in real life and 3) being online allows for a safe way to open up to others about yourself and explore ideas you may not have considered IRL - to share but remain anonymous.
So, yes - the online revolution has impacted my life and helped me learn more about myself. It's helped me accept certain personality traits and exposed me to new things I enjoy. I'm glad that you are learning to share more... You are a special person and it's nice to learn more about you!
Stacy
byI'm glad you've opened up. You're awesome & have a lot to offer.
No one incident changed me but this quote touched me & I'm so lucky to have some people that I can apply this quote to. Everyone needs at least one person or friendship where you can feel safe to be yourself. You can be loved in spite of your imperfections.
Oh! The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
— Dinah Mulock Craik
I never get sick of reading that.
BTW - meeting you was a highlight of my trip to Cincy & my year because you are amazing. Don't feel you have to post every day. I'd rather you blogged when you felt like it than burn out & quit like so many of my fave's have.
((hugs))
Hey Stacy:
byThank you for sharing and laughing was not something that entered my mind while reading your exceptionally well written post.
I think most people experience events or occurrences in their lives that forces them to reflect or just want to open up and share a private issue or two. Kudos to you for feeling comfortable enough to do so on your wonderful blog.
If I am fortunate enough to meet you someday, maybe I will share a couple of things that have happened in my life that caused me to do some introspection.
((hugs)) to you.. ;)
That was one fantastic post Stacy! Thank you for opening up and sharing about yourself. I'm in the middle of finding out who I am - I honestly don't know. I have so many walls to break down...walls that are solid and high. But I have to have faith that I can break those walls down...and change.
byI too find BDSM fascinating. I think it's because I'm such a control freak...I find the idea of relinquishing control difficult (I don't trust at all) but...very appealing, if that makes sense :)
@Smash Attack - WOW! You're amazing and very inspirational!
This is a great post, Stacy. I have gone through all of these similar emotions and introspections myself.
byI've found that my online circle of friends, and my ability to blog in relative anonymity, was my lifeline when I "came out" into the open about my own relationship all along the way -- internally, to my husband, to the online world and, finally, to my actual real-life community. Without that outlet, who knows where I might be today.
I think that it is hard for a woman in a feminist world to feel comfortable admitting that she appreciates or enjoys sex. For so long, women have been trying to separate themselves from their physical appeal and be appreciated and respected for their mental capacity and abilities. But who's to say that we can't be smart and intellectual and sexy?
I've found that I appreciate the concept of sex-positive feminism. We are smart women. We are well-educated women. We can hold our own in the boardroom and in complex disussions with CEOs and CFOs. We can lead. Yet, we can also recognize that we are women. We are softer and more sensual. We have power and allure in our sex appeal that should not be discounted.
We should also not be afraid to feel good and enjoy sex. I remember a time in my life when I truly didn't believe there was any way to orgasm other than by clitoral stimulation. It is only through accepting my own sexual preferences (and through BDSM) that I now actually believe in and have experienced things like the G-spot, the vaginal orgasm and female ejaculation. Why shouldn't all women be able to achieve those types of pleasures?
I used to be such a prude that couldn't even talk about sex nevertheless enjoy it. I credit the Internet (and friends like you), as well as a bunch of really naughty books, for enabling me to change and find my own true self... both on my own terms and at my own pace.
Sexy nerd girls unite! ;)
Mandi, it is one of the nice things, getting older, feeling less inclined to worry about what other people think and just let yourself be happy. You are a truly wonderful, encouraging, funny, loving person, and it's been lovely getting to know a bit about you, even if I don't share the Bruce Weeds love ;)
byJen, my PIC! We have sure been on a journey, have we not? It's been such a relief having someone to talk to, who is just about the same place. I cherish you more than I can say, and am glad you're just as wicked as I am ;)
Mary, you are a doll. Sometimes when I read comments, I think "boy, was I really so maudlin?" because despite how my post sounds, the majority of the time I am such a smartass in my head. I don't sit and cry while I write these posts, truly, but sometimes it sounds like I do LOL. But you can only go off what I write. And I appreciate your sweet words and thougtfulness. I enjoyed meeting you a lot :)
Well Lea, you got me curious! I hope to meet you one day as well. You are a dear person :) I think we all go through stuff at different intervals, just took me a little longer because I wasn't talking to anyone about things. But talking is healthy, and important, and I'm learning that all the time. Now you can't get me to shut up! *g*
Orannia, that's wonderful. I hope you find a way to do so. I feel so much...lighter...now. So much more relaxed and calm. It's learning to love yourself again too. Or love who you're becoming. That's constantly changing.
(((Z))) There's no denying you and MN had A LOT to do with this, and I will be forever appreciative of that. Your sharing helped me, and hopefully that carries on for other people. There's so many things we fear because society says they are wrong or sick, or disapprove of our choices so vehemently that we feel inclined to hide away. It's scary to feel out here alone, until we finally figure out we're really not. But it take someone with the balls to say something to open those floodgates. You are one of those people. And just so ya know, I'm enjoying my little crush on you both, and will try to keep the giddiness to a minimum ;)