Much like everything else lately, I seem to be going through blogger block. After almost 5 years, it's not unusual for it to happen time to time, but it's at a time when I want to blog, but I feel seriously depleted of ideas. Could be the changing weather - I tend to be much more sluggish when it's cold and dark - or it could just be I don't have much to say. So I'll take a minute and look back and see what's been going on in 2010.
Once thing that's been on my mind a lot is a topic that both repels and fascinates me: BDSM. And before I go any further, let me tell you right now that no, I have not uncovered a deep, dark secret about myself. Not that there would be anything wrong with it, but the more I think about it and read about it and imagine it, I know deep in my heart I'm not wired that way. But what BDSM has done for me is opened my eyes to some things about myself. I think we all reach a point when we think we know ourselves so well. We believe we know if we're decent people, or if we're morally ambiguous, or somewhere in between. We are secure in our place in the world, in our sexuality, where we fit in with our family and friends. I thought that too, until I started becoming a little obsessed with the D/s lifestyle, yet consistently wondered why. I would test myself, read more about real-life people who were into it, and the more I read, the more confused I became because it didn't appeal to me other than on an extremely light, superficial level. But it taunted me. And after I gave it some time, I finally figured out why. Or at least I understood myself better.
I am a loner by nature. I have never been one to be dependent on others. I guess the way I grew up made it so, but at the same time, I truly believe we are born a specific way, and while events and emotions can shape us to a certain extent, our makeup is essentially what you were born to be. It also doesn't mean we can't change, but it's not an easy thing to do. Being a loner, I find it extemely uncomfortable to share a lot about myself, even the most mundane, ordinary events. I can't explain why, maybe it's some sense of being rejected that I never got over as a kid, but I tend to listen more than I talk. Now however, as I'm getting older, I notice myself becoming much more open with the people in my life. It was not a conscious decision to all of a sudden share the person that I am, it just sort of happened. And I think in part, it's because of some people I've met online (who I've mentioned before) are very open about their marriage and lifestyle.
It's weird how people I've never met in person - and even though they live in the same city most likely will never meet - have had such an impact on me. Maybe it's their confidence and their trust in each other as they also are exploring different avenues of their relationship that has encouraged me to share more of myself. It's true that you can't really have a meaningful relationship without sharing yourself, without giving trust, and I guess I need to learn how to do that. It's scary, but exciting at the same time.
Y'all are probably laughing right now, wondering what's the big deal. That's okay. That's part of the risk of opening up; is taking the chance that you might not always find happy, shiny acceptance on the other side. So be it. I'm learning new things about myself and realizing that the learning never stops. It might go on a break for a bit, but we are always discovering something new about ourselves. Kinda cool.
Has a topic or person caused you to learn
something new about yourself?
What was the experience like?