Stacy's Place on Earth
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Sunday, May 14, 2006:
Rules of commitment
Recently I read a post at a blog that I came across in my "travels"; it was someone I don't even know but the latest post at her blog was about an incident that had happened to her very recently.  The reason that I am even mentioning it is because it really struck a cord with me. Here's the situation: This woman explained at her blog that she's engaged, and her fiance had a bachelor party, complete with music, booze, strippers - the whole nine yards. She was completely fine with that - she knew beforehand what his plans were and thought it was okay if he enjoyed himself with his buddies. "Enjoyed himself". Well, that's an open statement because, see, he definitely decided to enjoy himself to the fullest, using the reasoning (however sound or unsound it may be) that it was his last night of freedom and "anything goes". Basically he enjoyed himself a little too much with not one, but three strippers, putting on a drunken show in the living room for the guys before retiring to the bedroom to continue the fun and games. One of the guests at the party was actually the woman's relative, and decided it was best to tell her most of what he saw (which excludes the bedroom activities). The woman confronted her fiance about the bachelor party; he confessed to what he did, stating that he thought it was his "right" to live it up before tying himself down to one woman for the rest of his life. Said woman, understandably upset by those comments alone, threw him out of their apartment, changed the locks, and ultimately called off the wedding. What really confused her was that they never had trust issues before - she never saw it coming. She was hurt, but she was also angry, and not willing to just let it go.

I completely agree with her. I would have done the exact same thing, including going on the honeymoon to Hawaii without the lying bastard. I know that a lot of bachelor and bachelorette parties have similar goings-on, and some couples are totally okay with the "last hurrah", but I would not be among them. Let me explain why.

When you start dating someone, it's not like you give up seeing other people immediately (unless it's decided upon by both parties). You are attracted to this new person, getting to know them, but not thinking about jumping into a commitment right away. As time goes by, you either feel a stronger connection or it stays in the superficial stage, so you pretty much know if it's going to be a serious relationship or a temporary situation lasting a few weeks. If it's serious, usually at this point you agree to see each other exclusively. If things are really wonderful, you realize you're in love and you've met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hopefully he feels the same way. Then your life really becomes amazing when he asks you to marry him - to spend your life with him, to start a family, to face the future together, to begin a new and exciting chapter in both of your lives.

Now, somewhere between dating and making a commitment, any wild oats to sow should have been sowed already. If you consciously decide to be serious with someone, and you say the words and agree on it, that should mean just that. And by the time you decide to marry that person, you sure as hell better not be seeing anyone else, definitely not for sex. Once you've decided to pop the question, that's it. There are no "last hurrahs", no "one last night of freedom" before tying yourself down. Nuh-uh. When you make a promise to someone, then your job is to keep that promise.

How can this woman really trust her fiance again? If he can justify his actions once, there's a greater chance he will do it again in the future. Was his night of debauchery really worth losing the woman he planned to marry? I know some guys have a strange thing about the women they marry - they don't want them to engage in certain types of behavior - not the (future) mother of his children, oh no. Heaven forbid they should like to get down and dirty. But that doesn't give him a valid reason for what he did at all. Get over it, dude. A woman can be just as sexual as a man, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. This guy obviously didn't realize how lucky he was.

So you could definitely say I have a problem with what this guy did and definitely feel he betrayed his promise to his fiancee. I just have to wonder how he would have felt if she had done something like that at her bachelorette party (she hadn't, btw) - I doubt he would have been very understanding...

6 Comments

  1. Wow! What a story. I totally agree with you Stacy. I'm okay with bachelor parties to some degree, but not at all what this woman's fiance did. I don't understand how he could think this was ok! And the strippers! UGH! Women who don't respect committed relationships really get on my last nerve.


  2. I would have done the same thing she did! Some things are just not, ok. And, if they were engaged he should have been commited to her for a long while now. He didnt need to go out and do the things he did just because they were getting married. He already made a commitment to her and he trashed it.


  3. Good for her! She doesn't need someone like him. At that point in their relationship trust should not be an issue. I wonder if he even realizes what he did, what he lost or is he type of guy that just thinks he derserved to have fun. If it is the latter than it is better that she found out now before they were married.


  4. I'm with all of you !!!

    He's a Loser and she is better off without him !!!

    My husband, for his bachelor party, went fishing with his buddies in Santa Monica Bay and then they all came back home to our house for dinner, drinks and crashed !!!

    I didn't even have a bachelorette party...the last thing I wanted to do is shimmy up with some strange guy, when I've already found my Love.

    It's so sad that she had to go through all of that to find out
    he's a jerk !!!

    But I am sure, she will find someone truly wonderful and treat her very loving and tender...and she can forget all about that dunce !!!


  5. You ladies are all brilliant, and I agree with you all.

    I know a few women who would disagree with my opinion, but there has to be respect in a committed relationship and messing around in someone else's playground is so far at the other end of the spectrum. If it were me, he'd know the depth of my wrath, and be very afraid LOL.

    I just feel bad that she had to have her heart broken, but at least it was before the wedding, and not afterwards. If there's anything good to say about the whole mess, that would be it.


  6. Hey girl! Been a while.. Great blogs here.. I needed to comment on this.. Unbelievable story, but one that happens frequently.. Sad to say.. I agree 100 pct with what you said! I never thought about it that way, but you have an excellent point!


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